An excerpt from Four Dervishes
‘By then I had saved enough money to permit me to travel but due to the unpredictable state of affairs in Rey, no planes would fly, and no ships would sail in that direction. Therefore, I decided to set off on my two feet, and to hitchhike when possible, towards my ancestral land, not ignoring the fact that a pedal journey would also enable me to visit many strange lands and encounter many exotic people on the way and I would be able to undergo some life-enriching experiences.
‘I will not tire you with the details of all the events and calamities that befell upon my head on the road, but the account of some more interesting ones might divert you. Once, for instance, I passed through a region where womenfolk were unable to sit astride a steed or a motorcycle owing to some deformity in their physiological forms and thus had to keep both legs on one side on their rides. History tells us about the Huns, terrible warriors and excellent horsemen, who by virtue of their life-long horse- rides, had bendy legs and found it difficult to walk on two feet. In a similar fashion, years of side-saddling had affected the women of this land, who couldn’t walk with their heads straight. Their necks were fixed at impossible angles, and they had to rely on their men to lead them on and off their chargers.
‘One day I arrived at a strange city where everyone seemed distressed and morose. People were walking about quietly and gloomily as if mourning someone’s death and if not for the constant noise of hideously decorated rickshaws and trucks, I would have easily taken it as the city of the dead. I ventured to ask a few passers-by about the cause of their gloom which was hanging over their heads like a dreary cloud. Most of them paid no attention to me. Some stared at my face with blank, hollow eyes. At last, a kindly man whispered in my ears that the lonely and solitary hair on the bald and shining head of that realm’s King, which he had kept in a jar of preservatives and which he would only don before meeting foreign dignitaries, had been stolen. A state of emergency had been enforced and the law-enforcing arms of the realm were tirelessly seeking the culprit. The King had gone into a reclusive hibernation and his eight-year-old son was representing the Crown in the meantime and according to some, proved a better ruler than his father.
‘I was also told that the rash thief had left a huge blob of phlegm behind him in haste or perhaps as a sign of defiance to the police, who had taken the specimen to determine its source through scientific methods. The sympathetic whisperer elaborated that in the olden days, theft was punishable by the severance of various limbs but due to the protest and uproar from many international societies of limbless people, this kind of cautioning and punitive measures had been abolished and the sole punishment for the act of stealing was now death.
‘The state officials were anxious to find the thief and the hair. For this purpose, all citizens were being dragged out of their homes. Early next morning a party of fierce- looking soldiers arrived at the inn where I had spent the night, forcing all travellers including me to abandon our beds and walk to the principle square of the city. It was a great piazza huge enough to fit all the people and visitors of the city. At nine in the morning, the Grand Caddie arrived in his chariot. After humbly bowing to the welcoming cheers of the crowd, he delivered a very long speech on the importance of justice, law and such other concepts, summing it up by declaring that the wrongdoer would soon meet his fate.
‘ “I know he is hiding between you right now,” he pointed an accusatory finger towards the crowd, “but I want to warn you that there is no use hiding if you are a criminal and it is even worse to facilitate the disappearance of a culprit. It is as bad as committing the original crime. You think that you are cleverer than law, but I want you to know that we will find you by the end of the day,” saying which he clapped three times and a team of scientists in white robes came forth. All the foreign visitors were taken to pristine laboratories at the behest of these scientists.
‘After undergoing various tests to examine the sugar level in my blood and determine my DNA, I was made to cough out a few times. The phlegmatic matter thus produced was taken into a private room to be examined and compared with the specimen discovered in the palace and thought to have been emitted by the thief. After waiting for an interminable amount of time, the robed men of science brought me my results. It seemed that my phlegm matched in shape, tone and style that of the miscreant. I was consequently taken to the Caddie’s court, which was still buzzing with the local loafers and rubberneckers. In vain did I protest that since I had just arrived the night before – as could be determined easily by looking at the official stamp on my passport – I couldn’t possibly have committed the crime, which had taken place two days before, but the Caddie had never heard of the term alibi. He stopped me in the middle of my protests, dignifiedly stating that science never failed. I was sentenced to death and my penalty was to take place in the morning. As soon as the Caddie made the announcement before the public, many men standing in the square gave their sons a sound slap on their cheeks, lest they should take a bad course in their life, forgetting that the end of crime is grim.
‘I was brought to a clerk at a desk entirely covered with red tape. After examining me closely with his beady eyes, which reminded me of a shrew, he noted something in a register. “Complexion: sallow, colour of eyes: hazel, colour of hair: light brown, shape of nose: hooked, any distinctive facial features: a hooked nose,” he read aloud. After the registration ceremony two soldiers took me to a dark and meagrely furnished prison cell, which was meant to be my lodging for my last night on this earth. There was a bed placed by a wall. I sat on its edge quietly and thought about my situation and the more I reflected the more I sank in self-pity, crying over my comical situation. How does a doomed man spend his last hours on this earth?
