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Wishes and other poems

by Rua Jendawe, Fatima Elkalay

I want to kill myself, 
several times a month;
to kill the voice in my head, 
several times a minute; 
to kiss my reflection in the mirror,
several times a year;
to kiss your brow 
for a whole year.

I want to throw myself
into a bottomless pit
and embrace you 
as I fall endlessly into it.
I want the laughter that comes
from the house next door 
to stop; 
I don’t want to hear it 
when I’m alone.
I want a cat to shake hands with me
as I pass through the neighbourhood; 
I want to hug cats infested with fleas.

I want to eat a whole white loaf
and a sandwich stuffed with every kind of meat.
I want to spit on the neck 
of the first policeman I see in the morning,
and shake hands
with every child who wears 
a green hat.
I want to stab the belly
of a fat man in the street
so I can see candy exploding from inside him.

I want to set fire to a yellow meadow.
to fill a glass bottle with ocean, 
and break it at the edge of the road.
I want to fight with a giant man 
and receive from him a slap that will 
prove to me 
that I am weaker than I think. 

Reality Rejects Me, Fantasy Forgets Me

In the mirror
I am, to a certain extent,
In a dirty mirror, 
I am more so. 
Reflected in the window 
of a clothes shop 
I am a poor replica 
of what I should be. 
Alone, reflected in the window 
of a packed bar, 
I am closer to my truth.

Me, alone,
reflected on the surface of a cold teapot,
my hand extended a thousand miles,
my eyes lost between here and there, 
between body and soul,
fantasy grabs me by the hand,
chews and spits me,  
time and again
it changes my features.

When I return 
reality rejects me, 
deplores my new form.
As for fantasy,
it doesn’t remember me,
and I cannot find my home 
in either.  

Painting courtesy of Reda Khalil
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